Investigative Report: Best Fictional Movie Drugs
Ryan Revolver
12/5/2012

 

In an attempt to create original content (besides mediocre movie reviews), the time has come to start doing reports of an investigative nature for KLBJ. From time-to-time I ask myself tough questions that (simply) must be answered…

 

Drugs have been a part of our society for-EVAH. As a civilization our D.O.C. (drug of choice) has changed over time. Bath salts? Really? Hollywood has capitalized on the drug counter-culture. Not always are the drugs in your favorite movies real. Sometimes they are total fictitious. 

 

Webster's defines drug as A substance that has a physiological effect when ingested or otherwise introduced into the body, in particular.

 

 

"You're confusing me with MERRIAM WEBSTER. Drug is a noun, and is pronounced /drəg/"

 

 

Is the eye-rolling natural or something?


Movie: Dredd

 

Drug: Slow-Mo

 

 

Side Effects: The highly addictive drug slows everything d o w n    t o    1  %    o f    n o r m a l  time. Also everything you see is very vivid and translucent. This drug works very well in the movie. It gives the director a damn good excuse for a slow-motion scene. I cannot imagine having to be on Slow-Mo in rush hour traffic, it would take even friggin' longer to get home. Just stay away from high places when high on Slow-Mo, if you fall it will take 16 hours in Slow-Mo time to land.  

 

 

 

Growing weed around a nuclear power plant is not a swell idea...

 

Movie: Class of Nuke ‘Em High (thanks @FluffieDuckie for the recommendation)

 

Drug: Atomic Weed

 

 Apparently Atomic Weed gives you duck-face syndrome and stink-eye


Side Effects: Look forward to crazy dreams, an increased libido, and (somehow) super strength. At $20 a joint, better have that cash ready to keep that habit of yours going.

 

 

Having to ride on Capitol Metro will DEFINITELY make you want to take Quietus

 

Movie: Children of Men

 

Drug: Quietus

 

Ugh, just another PSA

 

Side Effects: In the dystopian future where women are infertile, this suicide drug is passed out by the government. Cheeky. Michael Caine uses it to kill mice around his house before giving it to his catatonic wife and dog. Wow, this article just got depressing.

 

 

 I love the new V8 packaging

 

Movie: Robocop 2

 

Drug: Nuke

 

Nuke causes premature balding, and makes you ignore child-labor laws

 

Side Effects: Well this drug has the worst side effect-it’s highly addictive. It also makes you think you are a messiah. If you think you’re God-like I dare you to try walking across water. Even if you are turned into Robo v2.0 you will still have a thirst for Nuke.

 

 

 

Movie: The Dark Knight Rises, Batman: The Animated Series

 

Drug: Venom

 

I don't care what Rush says, I don't see the comparison, besides the mask y'know

 

Side Effects: This super-steroid is injected into your neck (needles always make me queasy). Turns you into a vein-popping, roided-out ball of intense physical strength. Your arms will turn into massive girl-attracting cannons. Consult your physician before stopping Venom usage, because you will go through one hell of a withdrawal. Also you will shrink to your normal, absolutely pathetic and puny former size.

 

 

 

Movie: 21 Jump Street

 

Drug: HFS

 

 

Side Effects: This drug is truly unique. Not only do you get to go through 5 stages of awesomeness, but it is relatively unknown (only at one high school, but with future distribution possibilities). So you will get to keep your hipster status when you take HFS. Just refrain from social media video websites (like YouTube) when high as a kite on HFS.

 

 

 

Movie: Metalocalypse (season 2, episode 9)

 

Drug: Yopo

 


Side Effects: Okay, I know yopo is a real life drug. I also know Metalocalypse is a TV show. Really I just wanted to post a picture of Pickles (the drummer doodily doo). Plus I am writing this list, I don’t see you helping out.

 

Now back to the side effects. If you decide to experiment with yopo, expect hallucinations. You can smoke yopo (like in a pipe) or take it orally. Taken orally can induce nausea and vomiting. South American tribes would ingest yopo monthly (in an effort to purge off the weight, and get back into their skinny loincloth). Once the hallucinations are in full swing you connect with your spirit animal; and put on a bad ass impromptu concert on an Aztec temple.

 

Best impromptu jungle concert ever!

 

How all the cool kids use yopo is in a snuff. It is turned into a powder through a boring-to-read process. When the powder is ready:

  1. Your friend grabs a bamboo tube
  2. Blows the yopo into your nostril
  3. Gets you to order Papa John’s, cause he is too wasted

 

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